Tragedy

Dear Judy
I recently lost my daughter and son-in-law in a terrible car crash.  Their toddler survived but has suffered brain damage.  In my grief and sorrow I immediately took him under my wing but now I am finding that he is more than I can handle, I feel trapped, depressed and unhappy and I honestly don't know how much longer I can go on looking after him.  He is 6 years old now. - Pat, Ontario

Dear Pat
It is normal to react with depression when it come to grief and change.  The accident was a great shock to you and has mean that you chose to change your life around in order to meet the needs of this little child, your grandson.  This is not only a huge responsibility but if you are finding it too much to handle, you really need to look into getting extra help from other family members or a nanny with some nursing qualifications who can help you out from time to time.  It is essential that you get out and about and feel free yourself sometimes and have a complete break.
With renewed energy and assistance you could probably continue taking care of him again.  If you still feel overwhelmed, discuss options with your doctor or a social worker.
Sorry about this tragic loss.  Judy

  
Hi Judy,  Ever since I lost my newborn baby due to unforeseen circumstances, I hardly feel that life is worth living.  I found her dead in her crib at the age of 3 weeks.  There was nothing wrong with her and they diagnosed her death as being due to "cot death".  I have kept her nursery just as it was six months ago when this happened and I have all her little clothes.  My husband wants us to have another baby, but I can't bear the idea of trying to replace little Shelly.  - Brenda, CT

Hello Brenda ~ firstly, I must say how sorry I am for your loss.  I take it this was your first child.  A cot death is very shocking as it is something least expected in a healthy baby.  Don't blame yourself and don't feel that you must rush into having another child or hasten the grief and depression you are feeling.  That is normal under the circumstances.  In fact, if you were not feeling this way, you would not be showing a normal reaction to the shock and loss you have experienced.  Your husband probably wants to help end the sadness and not replace Shelly at all.  When you feel ready to have another child, remember that cot death is unusual.  Read up all you can about it and invest in a monitor.  Think of your new baby as a sibling to Shelly and not a replacement.  When the time is ready you may like to re-decorate the baby for a new baby or you may decide to use the same little clothes.  Do give each new baby a new mattress, however.  All the best to you.  Judy