Family Feuds

Dear Judy ~ my precious adult sons are all enmeshed in a web of fighting.  How can I help them to untangle it so that we can become a close family again? - Jemma, Isle of Wight.

Dear Jemma

This is difficult and painful for you I know.  You have to totally remove yourself from the situation and not become involved.  The reason is because whatever input you give will be viewed as "taking sides".  You can no longer "fix" fights and arguments as you could when they were little.  They were under your control then.  They are no longer under your control now.

You have to step aside and hope that they will mend things on their own Jemma.  I know it's difficult for you and I realise that you are hurting.

Pray for them and stay out of it or you will end up enmeshed in this web as well.

Judy

Hi Judy

My adult children are fighting so much that we cannot have family get-togethers any longer.  Should I call a family conference?  What can I do to make them STOP their fighting and befriend one another again? Brenda, Massachusetts, USA

Hi Brenda

You could call a family conference, but I very much doubt they will listen to anything you have to say.  I know you may be able to see the solutions from the bird's eye view of age and experience.  Unfortunately, your children being adults have their own nuclear families now.  No amount of begging or pleading from you will change things.  In fact, it may even make things worse.  Just assure them all of your love.  Listen to them.  Keep quiet.  They will probably iron out their own difficulties with time to come.  I know it is hurting you badly.  The only thing you can reassure them of is your constant love and even then they may view it as taking sides unless you include the word EVERYONE in your messages to them.  The sad fact is this "they don't want to play in the same room together any more" (Quote: I Botha).

Judy